You know when you fall in love with someone new and everything is exciting? You look for things you have in common and things you like about them. Their little idiosyncrasies are cute, the attention is flattering and you just can’t get enough of them. So, you start to check out their potential to become a boy/girlfriend or maybe even a lifelong partner, and take the plunge.
Why then, after you have been dating or living together for a while, do those cute little idiosyncrasies become annoying habits? Why do their faults become more noticeable, and you start to get hacked off with the some of things that attracted you in the first place? Or maybe you don’t think about them much at all, consequently they have just become someone who lives in the same house and you are complacent. You can probably come up with a myriad of reasons why your relationship is no longer sparkling and cast blame in their direction!
If that’s you, maybe it’s time to ask yourself whether you still look for things you have in common or are you now focusing on the things that separate you? Are you still learning about them or do you think you know everything already? Have they changed from the attentive, adoring, generous person that initially attracted you or have you? Did you fall in love with the wrong one? Maybe, your choice was a good one and you fell in love with a great person, all it might take is a few minor tweaks to put you back on track again.
1. Keep falling in love
Firstly – do those little things that lovers do. Make eye contact. Speak in warm, loving tones. Tell them how great they are, how attractive, and how lucky you are to be together.
2. Look for the best in them
Look for the best in them each day and give them the best of you. Notice when they’ve done something good and compliment them, not just the things that irritate followed by a nagging session. A genuine compliment about something you like them doing guides them the in right direction. And don’t wait for them to do something nice for you, go first!
3. Remember a time when your love-making was amazing
Remember as many details as you can – the place, how they looked, the sensations of touching and being touched, the sounds, the feelings… Spend some time reliving the moment and immerse yourself in the feelings it brings back. Fill your body from head to toe with those pleasurable sensations – then call them/talk to them/jump into bed!
4. Do something different
If you see that look on their face, the one you recognise as meaning you’ve done something wrong or they want an argument, instead of jumping into the same old patterns of behaviour and getting defensive or disagreeing, maybe you could try something new. Take a deep breath. Relax those facial and shoulder muscles and consciously loosen any tension in your stomach…and exhale. Make eye contact. Listen to what they’re saying. Ask a question to clarify their point. Tell them you’re sorry if something you’ve done has upset them. See it from their point of view. Physically move to a different position. Maintain an even tone of voice…go on, think up some more ways you can react differently next time and see how much better you can experience the situation.
5. Share a laugh
Show them that funny email that came round today. Watch a stand up comedian you both like. Play a silly game. Silly does after all come from an old English word meaning happy, blessed, blissful and lucky! Look out for the quirky things – from odd shaped vegetables to silly mistakes, and share them with each other. Two people laughing can generate an amazing internal cocktail of feel-good chemicals and hormones and make you both feel great and bond more closely.
6. Relax and be yourself
Relax and be yourself and let them be him/herself too. After all, when you got together you liked each other, didn’t you? Stop trying to be something you’re not and forcing them to be something they’re not too. Relax and let yourself shine.
7. Be happy
If you want to be happy together, start with yourself. If you feel great, it’s infectious. You know those people whose sudden entrance at a party makes it start to swing – they lift you with their smile and they’re fun to be around. Nobody likes the mood-hoovers who suck the very life force out of you! So, do things that make you joyous, energised and fun to be around – exercise, learn something new, remember a time when you were together and felt absolutely fabulous, tell yourself you’re happy and lucky instead of grumbling about the worst, or wear your best clothes on an ordinary day. Take a little risk. What can you do today to make yourself feel happier?
8. Give thanks
We have so much for which to be grateful but sometimes we forget. For example, even having a partner (providing they’re not abusing you) is something for which to give thanks. So, make a note of everything you’re thankful for in your life and your partner. Once you start looking for the positives, they become much easier to see. Even things that you thought at first seemed negative, can have beneficial qualities once you start looking with an appreciative eye – after all, clothes on the bedroom floor can mean there’s a naked person around!
9. Get physical
You don’t have to have orgasmic sex every minute of the day (unless you both want to), but a touch between two people says so much. Flirty, playful, caring, comforting, sexual, friendly…how many ways can you touch your partner not only on their body but in their heart?
10. Add a flourish
Finally – consider, does life together seem boring? Mundane? Do you do the same things every day, every week, every month? Add a flourish or a surprise to liven things up. Take them a cup of tea along with a flower from the garden. Wear some sexy underwear when you go to bed. Buy an unexpected gift for no reason other than you love them. Have a sit down dinner together in the evening with your best china or candles and without your smart phones. Put a loving note in their sock drawer… Just how creative can you get in adding a flourish or a touch of spice to your life together!
If you want a different kind of relationship, do something different. Change it up and lead the way, and, as a result, draw them inexorably up to your desired level. Because the more you start thinking about how happily you want to be together, the more ways you can find to start cherishing your relationship again.